Why not me?

I was making cookies thinking about what my coworkers had been saying. It has been 5 years since me and my partner became together. It has been nearly 3 years that he had told me he loved me (New Year's 12am 2015, I know corny but I will never forget it).

The coworkers all believed that this would be the year that he would ask me to marry him. I was convinced that we were not in that place. He had a horribly painful divorce and so did I. I was sure his ex had broken his desire to be married again.

It was on my mind though. The coworkers kept on me, this is the year! Two of them had become engaged within the last 4 months, they were convinced that I would, too. I kept telling them and reassuring that there was no way we would ever remarry due to our past experiences. He had been married for 12 years, I had been for nearly 20. Those experiences were tough on the heart.

So I decided, while making cookies, to ask him. "Would you ever want to remarry or did your ex ruin any thoughts on that". How casual! It just flew out of my mouth before I could think about actually talking to him. My coworkers' words were running through my mind, the question just flew. He looked surprised, naturally, and said "yes, I would want to remarry again".

Instantly it stabbed my heart. We had never talked about any of that and here he was saying he would remarry. My mind instantly began to think it was odd that he would want to remarry but never bring it up to me, obviously he wants to remarry, just not with me. It pained my heart. Instantly I felt this pain and began to find myself hurt. Naturally, I couldn't control my emotions so I had to leave the room.

What is wrong with me? Why, if I had never thought of it before, why would this bother me so much? Why hadn't he ever talked about the desire to remarry with me? Was it because he didn't want to marry me but felt that it was in his future? Instantly I felt sad.

I could not think of anything else after that. My mind was full of questions. I kept finding myself tearing up, slowly letting the tears slide down my cheek. Why not me? Why would he not want to marry me? He had never talked to me about any of this.

He kept saying he hadn't known if I had wanted to remarry after my divorce but we were building a life together. I am not sure what any of it meant, my heart felt sad. I felt as if I had been told that maybe in the future. He had been engaged before his marriage. He had been engaged to his high school sweetheart and then to his ex wife. All of which, he knew pretty early on that he had wanted to marry these women, he had proposed and made that commitment.

Why, if after 3 years let's just say, had he not wanted to marry me? He said that with me being in school, waiting for me to graduate. I don't even know because even as he spoke, I heard echos and mumbling. I couldn't focus on what he was saying. All I knew is now I felt as if he was telling me what I wanted to hear. It definitely hadn't been because he had felt this way, that he felt as if he wanted me to be his wife.

Did I want to remarry? Or was I focused on the coworkers' words and expectations? Now with him saying he does want to marry me, why wouldn't he have talked to me about it sometime or somehow and made me aware of the "intentions". Or was he wanting to remarry, just not to me and now he felt obligated to act as if it was always in the future plans of our life together? I will never know. I don't know that I want to know.

I wish they hadn't gotten me to think about it this past week, They got me excited and scared at the same time. My emotions are making me randomly start tearing up. My heart feels off kilter. If he had meant those words, wanting to remarry and with me, he would have talked about it before. He would have proposed and allowed that engagement to last until we chose to marry. But he didn't. By me asking that stupid question, I am now feeling as though it will never be for the right reason, if it ever happens.

What the heck is wrong with me? Did I really want to know that shit or did they just get inside my head so deeply that I felt the need to ask so I could dismiss their words? I don't know. All the same, I feel different somehow.

#whynotme