Countdown to 45

I can hear the clock ticking on the wall, see and feel the sands slipping through the hour glass. There is an eerie emphasis on this

birthday. Today I started getting emotional because someone had brought up that my birthday is coming.

When I turned 20 years old, I was excited about life because I had been on my own for a few years and I just felt independent. It was a good feeling, I felt good, I looked good. Life was exciting and scary. I was navigating my way because I hadn't really been shown how to be an adult. At 17, I just became one and moved on my own. I hadn't had to go back home and I was making it. I just felt good.

When I turned 30 years old, I was realizing that time goes a little faster than you believe it does. I had children and they were growing up faster than I thought was possible. They went from infants to toddlers to young kids faster than I expected. I was feeling good about life, surrounded by my family. It wasn't so bad turning 30, people had said it was a devastating number but for some reason, I had been proud I was making it. I hadn't achieved all my goals or a big bank account but I had enough, I was working towards my goals and it felt good. I felt successful in my work life and my family life because it felt balanced.

When I turned 40 years old, I felt the best I had ever felt in my life. I had just gone through 5 years of complete hell, honestly I didn't think I would survive those years. At 40, I felt the best about myself as a person, I looked the best I had ever looked. Life was changing fast but it was okay, I felt in charge again, I felt confident. The years between 35 and 39 were so bad it felt like I had been strangled. But towards the end of 39 and approaching into 40, I changed. I took control of myself. For the first time in years, I wasn't depressed or allowing myself to be used and abused. Honestly, turning 40, I felt on top of my game.

Which brings me to today. It is 6 days before my 45th birthday and I cry every time I think of it. I am not sure why. I don't look 45, people comment all the time. You would think those comments would flatter me. Okay, they do. They do flatter me, make me feel a little better about this year. I am in a good place. My career is in a good place, I just moved to a good place, my love life is in a good place. I am really in a good place!

Yet, anytime someone says ANYTHING about my birthday, my eyes tear up and overflow before I realize what is happening. It makes me emotional. How does that make any sense?

My son shares my birthday. My ex has a birthday the day after mine. I had thought maybe my emotions were because of those factors but I don't think about those things when I hear my birthday is coming. Maybe it is because over the last couple of years, I have put on some weight and don't have that exciting body I had been working so hard for when I was 40? Is that it? I don't understand because I don't think about that when someone mentions my birthday is coming.

I see the number 45 and cringe. I am not 50 yet. Why is this year so difficult on my spirit? I went into a shared office today and saw that someone had written my birthday on the calendar in oversize letters highlighted in pink. I instantly froze. Then I turned on my heel, pretending not to see it and walked out. Deep inside me every muscle contracted. I felt that cringe.

Am I the only one who has ever felt so freaked out about turning a certain age?

#birthday #turning45