10 Amazing things I have learned the hard way

There are days where I am not sure what to do. I get confused about which choice to make. I always felt like there was a right answer. I have found, I was wrong because there isn't. I started writing down all the wonderful advice, tips, and guidance I have either found, received, or learned.

I don't have the answers but I certainly have some scars to share. Here are 10 to start with today.

1. Be kind to yourself.

We are our own worse critic, finding faults with ourselves.

When I look in the mirror, I pep talk. When I am working on a big project, I pep talk. "You got this!"

Instead of thinking how I can't do something, I think of how I can improve on that area.

Instead of thinking about what is not "perfect", I remind myself that every single person on this planet has a different definition of "perfect" and no one fits any of them. Every single person has an insecurity.

Every. Single. Person.

Pep talk to yourself every day. You got this! You are enough. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are doing the best you can. If you aren't doing the best you can, pep talk yourself into motivation. Treat yourself how you want to be treated, show everyone the standard.

2. Tough times don't last but tough people do.

I had been going through such a difficult time and a friend told me this. He had been told this years before and it had stayed with him. I am not sure of the original author, but it's brilliant! Think about it for a minute. "Tough times don't last but tough people do". I have said this to myself as a reminder ever since.

Quite honestly, it is what a person believes that keeps them together during difficult times. There are quotes of different words stating the same thing throughout history, "this too shall pass". It makes a difference to believe in those words.

3. Hard work does not guarantee financial success.

If you base your work ethic on finances, skip to # 4.

If you base your work ethic on something else.... Just remember that even though hard work does not guarantee financial success, work hard anyway!

There is something emotionally and mentally satisfying about achieving a goal or being productive. Success can be measured in different ways depending on what is important to you.

4. Sometimes to add to your life, you have to subtract.

There are some toxic people in this world. Plain and simple. There is nothing wrong with subtracting those people from your life to add some happiness. If someone is emotionally draining you by their words and actions, it's okay to let them go.

We all have days where we feel like running someone's ear into the ground to vent. That's not toxic, that's a healthy release; however, it is never healthy to be a conversational narcissist. Remove the people that drain you of your energy or consistently require something from you other than your company.

5. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

I had the most difficult time learning this one. I thought that when you commit to your marriage, it is for "richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part".

Well, I have come to find that while I believe marriage is a very special and sacred commitment, it is not okay to stay in an abusive relationship. Ever.

"Dysfunctional Normal". Think about that for a second. I had made the dysfunction of my life become a standard for "normal" and just accepted it. There is no reason a person should ever accept abuse of any kind (emotional, mental, physical, sexual, financial). Ever.

Being alone can feel lonely but if you use that time to get to know and improving yourself for yourself, you will find that the right person will come along. It's a true story, it takes time but it is still true.

6. Think before you speak.

I most certainly wish I had learned this in my youth. Actually, in my early adulthood, too. I used to just react, say the first thing that came to mind, never lacking the courage to say exactly what I felt. The only difference between then and now is that I stop and think before I speak.

I get embarrassed thinking of how loosely I used to speak, telling people how I felt was not always a good thing. In my relationships, I try to be an effective communicator, I do not keep my feelings bottled up but I speak differently now. I stop and think clearly. If I know I am angry, I stop and take a couple deep breaths. I recognize now that sometimes I need to take those breaths to keep me from saying something I will regret or that will hurt another person.

Another thing is, I make sure what I am about to say is true. I try not to repeat anything said to me. I do repeat something I may have seen on a movie or read in a book. Those things can be a form of discussion; however, gossip is rarely true and never kind.

7. Never take things personally.

It is difficult not to take things personally but it's really not personal. It can be that we need to learn to try to see a different perspective of why someone is acting the way they are. It more times than not, is not about you.

It took me a long time to recognize the humbling truth that not everything is about me. I learned to try to be compassionate about someone's feelings and not assume I know why they did or said something.

Sometimes it never makes sense, we never find out why. All I know is that it is much more freeing to take things less personal and not react to everything. You do not control other people's actions, the only thing you can control is your reaction to their actions. Don't take it personal.

8. It's necessary to rest.

In the days of everything electronic, it is important to disconnect and recharge your own batteries.

I've been a workaholic most of my life. I thought I could manage my day on minimal sleep. I was wrong. What I have learned is that rest is a necessity in life. We get busy in work, in family, in friends, and in social media. Busy, busy, busy, always stimulated. That is not a healthy balance in life. Sometimes we need to shut it all down and just rest.

I had not realized that sleep played such an important role in health. Sleep helps prevent heart disease. I had NOT known that. I had woken up in the hospital, a cardiologist over me. I had not had a heart attack or stroke but apparently I had been close. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. It stunned me when he said it was due to sleep deprivation.

I had a condition they didn't recognize back then, restless leg syndrome. I know, it sounds corny but it is a real painful and sleep depriving condition. I now get treated for it and make sure I disconnect to rest and sleep. I have learned that a body does miraculous things while we sleep. Sleep is a necessity.

9. Be authentic, Always.

Be you for you. When you don't have to wear a mask or pretend, it frees you to enjoy the situation. Sometimes we like to wear a mask, only unveiling certain aspects of ourselves based on the situation.

Throw the mask away! We can still choose to be slightly guarded in what we share of ourselves but in a natural way.

Pretending to be someone you are not introduces risk to losing friends or loved ones when they realize you have been lying about who you are. You may lose yourself. Forget who you are. Earn the respect by being your authentic self, always.

I found out the hard way how easy it is for people to wear masks. I was duped. It is not easy to navigate through those shocking realizations. Avoid that unnecessary pain on yourself and others by choosing to be authentic, always.

10. Communication is key to every relationship.

Conversations, listening, speaking, body language are all forms of communication.

Conversation is a communication. It's a two-way street and sometimes people forget that. Respecting each other's feelings and assuring you are engaged in questions and answers and not a one-sided talk is important. People want to feel you paying attention to them. It's human nature. People desire to connect with others.

Listening is not the same as hearing. Sometimes people listen to the beginning of a conversation and immediately start thinking of how they will respond. That action alone takes away the effectiveness of listening. Hearing is something that happens, listening is a conscious effort to take in what the other person is saying both verbally and non-verbally. When you listen to someone, you begin to understand their feelings, wants, and thoughts.

Body language is a communication. Facial expressions and how we stand makes a difference. Posture can reflect emotions. By paying attention to someone's body language, you can almost read their emotion. There are times when someone cannot effectively communicate through words but their body language can speak volumes. It all depends on how much the other person is engaged in the communication to notice.

People need to feel like there is an open door policy. That "we can talk about anything without judgement" policy. If you show respect of someone expressing themselves, they will trust you enough to let you into their needs and thoughts. If you show trust of someone and express yourself, they will respect you enough to let you express your needs and thoughts without judgement.

Communication is key to every relationship. I wish I had known how to listen more and have a healthy and balanced conversation sooner. I think communication can save relationships.

Communication is key. Tell people what you are feeling, what you want, what you think. Listen with focus what other people are feeling, what they want, and what they think without interjecting yourself without invitation. Discuss things without judgement and without right or wrong opinions. Have a conversation that includes all parties and not just one person speaking.

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